while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
