I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Randomize
