so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
