Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Randomize
