i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Randomize
