I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
