i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
