He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
