i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
