Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Randomize
