At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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