I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
This baby is an asshole
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Randomize
