Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
