my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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