Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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