is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
