you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
