Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
