take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
