in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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