Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize