it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
