My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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