I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
