i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
