She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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