every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
