Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
