does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
