Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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