If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
false alarm, still single
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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