Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
