I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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