Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
You can't just leave with hair like that
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
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