i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
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