I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
