Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
