The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I'm determined to sit on that face.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Randomize
