Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Randomize
