It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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