dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
