imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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