New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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