It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
