how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize