i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
