meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Randomize
