one two three fourrrrnication!
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize