apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
