Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Randomize
