I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
