atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Randomize
