i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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