did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Randomize
