You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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