Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
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