You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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