i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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