I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
