Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
