i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
