i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
