apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
where am i from again
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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