What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Randomize