I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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