I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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