White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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