So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize