cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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