We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
