I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
