He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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